Changing your narrative and breaking patterns; overcome self-defeating behaviours
How many tasks throughout your day take up precious energy? And how many times have you thought about automating them?
How life would be so much less stressful and overwhelming.
Simple, yes. But not easy.
Imagine it’s 7:45am Tuesday, back to school and you’ve had a smooth run this morning. You and the kids are high-fiving as you’re about to leave the house 5mins early; astonishing!
Which means enough time to pick up your favourite barista blend on the way to school drop-off. Pure bliss.
Approaching the front door to collect your bags and keys in anticipation of the coming caffeine hit, a wave of warmth moves across your body… you open your bag - no keys!
Your vibe suddenly shifts from one of satisfaction and elation to confusion and sickly deja vu. The moment of panic sets in.
On the energy matrix, you’ve instantly shifted from a high pleasant energy to an equally high but unpleasant energy.
As the kids are frantically running around the house attempting to locate the keys, one trips over the handle of their bag onto the hard tiles. Cue the ice pack. This domino effect is now in full avalanche. It’s 7:55. The magic coffee window slams shut.
Do you see a pattern here?
Last week we explored the links and distinct trade-offs between the speed and accuracy of our decision-making when we become flooded with a rush of stress hormones.
For us to effectively process information, access creative thinking, deal with complex decisions and manage risk, the less adrenaline running through our bodies, the better.
Behaviour change requires a compelling reason to change, where often the pain becomes great enough. An exploration and understanding of the causes that created the effects of why you currently behave the way you do [flash back childhood :)]. And a systematic approach to incrementally changing, motivation to create a new habit, and discipline to make the change stick.
Identifying patterns
Consider your conditioning.
As a child, what did you notice about your parents? What was their approach to respecting time commitments?
For example, you remember always arriving late to school, events… your parents had no concept of time. You hated it.
Present day: Your mornings are meticulously planned out - you’re on a mission to get out of the house on time everyday. You’re determined your morning will go according to plan.
Take a moment to ask yourself - how relaxed is my body? Am I tense? Flushed with a racing heart?
Is my default to blame someone else for not putting the keys back?
How do I handle unexpected friction, a last minute change to the schedule?
Am I positioned to take on an obstacle or am I standing in my own way?
In any given week - how often do I feel this way?
For how long has the morning saga of the case of the ‘missing keys’ played out?
Since being introduced to a higher consciousness and awareness state between mind-body connections, I’ve personally experienced a huge shift in this familiar narrative.
I was introduced to the term Relaxed Intensity by Success and Addiction Coach Jeffrey Combs in 2019, and now integrate it as a guiding principle
Applying a relaxed intensity to situations, I’m now can be acutely aware of the time, with a normal heart rate, and ready to adapt and adjust with more ease to handle these types of challenges; this continues to be a work in progress.
A heightened state of awareness will help you recognise your stress response, regulate it (think quick body scan or breathing meditation), and access critical-thinking and creativity to solve more mysteries with poise.
Stacking your habits:
A NYTimes article found the best way to form a habit is to tie it to an existing habit, suggesting the integral role functionality plays in sustaining a changed habit.
Earlier we talked about identifying patterns. Specifically the morning saga of the case of the missing keys that has become uncomfortably familiar.
In these family contexts, the habits start with us, the parents. Our kids unconsciously mirror our behaviours, shaping theirs and hardwiring their conditioning - a big responsibility for us as parents and carers. We’ll delve into the cascading effect of our habits on our kids in a future blog.
For now, let’s put on a new metaphorical hat. One that provides us with special powers to change our narrative.
Phillipa Lally’s study published in the European Journal of Social Psychology, found it took on average 66 days for a new behaviour to become automatic. In reality, this process could take up to 8 months for some of us.
So let’s zero in and keep our stacking flexible and simple, so it remains sustainable.
Let’s focus on changing one thing in the process and get comfortable with the fact we may trip up every now and then - let it go and build the new habit in a healthy way.
Reframe: This saga will not continue.
In the case of the missing keys, the handbag seems to be positioned in the transition area - the area you transition from outside to inside the home and vice versa.
The problem is often rooted in the keys not being in plain sight.
Because our eyes help our brains receive and filter billions of bits of data at any given time, having our keys in plain sight will bring us a step closer to activating our RAS (Reticular Activating System) subconscious into a state of autonomy.
Start rewiring with a few simple steps:
Nominate a designated key bowl (no earth shattering insights here…simple, yes. Not easy).
Commit to placing the keys in the transition area bowl as soon as you walk in the door.
Before you go to bed, do a quick check to ensure they’re where you left them, ready for the following morning.
As you take a sip of your morning drink, glance over at the transition area one last time to make sure they’re there.
Involve members of your household with the new system and why it’s important to you - ask for their help in sustaining, they’ll also reap the rewards.
Use positive reinforcement to sustain the new habit. It’s critical to maintaining motivation and discipline.
Celebrate the win. Give your mind, body and soul some big doses of pleasant hormones and feelings that come with a sense of achievement. Reinforce the feelings you want to keep feeling.
Doing so, you’ll continue to create a compelling reason to sustain the change. One that’ll keep you and members of your household coming back for more, building new positive habits in the process.
What’s your deja vu story? And what are some of the ways you’ve been able to change the narrative?
Start the conversation below (Pointing down hand emoji ;)
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