Cause and net effect; exposing the hidden discomfort of our everyday behaviours

 

Image courtesy of @SonuAgvan

“Discomfort is a wise teacher.”

— Caroline Myss

 

Have you ever been caught out?

 

Covering up your feelings of discomfort with a nervous laugh.  

 

It could have been that sly remark, an inappropriate gesture, or blatant intimidation.

 

There are many reasons causing us to meet situations with conscious and unconscious avoidance, over diplomatic confrontation.

 

Much of them are rooted in the events of our past, and the feelings we hold onto, both repressed and suppressed.

 

In a coaching session with one of my mentors, I was made aware of my tendency to meet and mask my discomfort with a light chuckle.

 

When asked if I was aware…I immediately responded YES.

Because I’m acutely aware of how my nervous laugh sounds. I’m aware of how it feels. And I know where else it shows up in my life.

 

Now tuned in to this, I notice how I feel when hearing my own or that of others. Uncomfortable. Irked. Enter stress response.

 

“Have a sense of humour, would you.”   

 

“I’m just kidding”

 

A major trigger for this pattern of anxious laughter in the face of unease is the use of sarcasm.

 

Well it’s time to turn the discomfort on its head. To call out what is said, and not brush over what is intended.

 

To quit laughing off the cruelty with a return jibe of your own.

 

In many circumstances and cultures, the lines of consent and decorum are all too blurry, and consequences starkly absent.

 

Environments that systemically allow contempt to pass for humour. And smugness for holding one's own, encouraging sarcastic quips as cultural norms.

 

 

“Comfort, the enemy of progress.”

— P. T. Barnum

 

 

Holding up the mirror

Australia is often renowned for its unique strain of humour, laden with sarcasm and self-deprecation.

  

But many don’t stop to consider if they’re rubbing salt into an open wound. Often we’re simply projecting our own emotional wounds that haven’t been addressed.

 

So let’s hold up the mirror for a minute - as it only takes one to shift the dynamic. Let’s see what’s staring back at us.

 

We tend to use sarcasm in a number of ways.

 

Think about a time where you noticed yourself making a sarcastic or flippant remark.

 

Is it when you’re around certain people, or perhaps in specific situations where you feel intimidated, insecure, or uncomfortable?

 

Let’s explore 4 ways we use sarcasm (or masked contempt) to project hidden and suppressed anger, trauma, overwhelm, or resentment:

To avoid confrontation: We feel insecure and lack the confidence to be clear in asking for what we want, operating from a base of self doubt.

 

To fit in: In social circles, playful banter is often used to build and maintain a surface-level common ground.  Underneath is a well often a well of insecurities. 

 

To assert dominance: Using a passive aggressive tone, sarcasm can also be used as a way to assert dominance. Someone who feels wounded but afraid to bring it up will often use sarcasm to disguise an insult.

 

To control: For some, when in personal overwhelm, anxiety, and fear, attempts are made to control the uncertain by controlling others, projecting repressed anger and rage. 

 

 

From contempt to courage

Within relationships, Dr John Gottman identifies key predictors and displays of negativity that determine their success or failure.

 

The eye roll, a sign of contempt (closely related to sarcasm), has been identified to be the number 1 predictor of relationship breakdowns. In work terms, this is a tell tale sign that trust has been replaced with contempt, leading to defensiveness and stonewalling.

 

Beneath the surface of this negativity is an unidentified cause that creates the effect. Repressed or suppressed events where we’ve experienced humiliation, trauma, bullying, and intimidation.

 

When unresolved, events from the past will repeatedly shape a corresponding present day reaction.

 

Addressing the cause that creates the effect requires learning the skill of continuously letting go, separating emotions and feelings from those events that shaped them. 

 

To do this, courage comes before honesty.

 

This takes serious self-reflection - a willingness and commitment to understand why you do what you do, and to change.

 

Taking a step further, we can introduce a healthy dose of reflexivity, where we question 

our own attitudes, thought processes, values, assumptions, prejudices and habitual actions, to better understand the complexity of our own roles in relationship to others.

 

By addressing our underlying sources of discomfort, we’re able to turn off the tap to our problems in place of continually mopping up the result of our reactivity.

 

Where to from here?

 

Next time you hear laughter in the workplace, ask yourself - is that a joyful or nervous laugh?

 

Take your cues - what might someone's smile, expression or body language be telling you? 

 

What could their laugh be disguising?

                                                                                                                                

And if it’s yours, check in with yourself and see if your outward expression matches what you’re thinking and feeling internally.

 

What might it be hiding?

 

Because what we ignore, we accept.

 

 

Click here to learn more about your own attitudes, thought processes, conditioning, assumptions, biases and how these impact power dynamics in relation to others.