Opportunities to de-escalate workplace conflict; and how you can seize them.

One of the most critical skills in conflict management is the art of compromise.

Countless negotiations break down in the workplace because people are focused on their differences. The good news is, it doesn’t have to be this way.

Do you ever find yourself in conflict, and unable to find the right words to put out the fire?

So you’re either left speechless or misunderstood.

Well, you’re not alone.

With up to 85% of people experiencing some kind of conflict in the workplace, the odds are you’re one of many. The negative consequences often result in dysfunctional team work, decreased productivity, and poor retention rates for organisations.

Think of the last time you heard the words “you never”, “you always”... Were these words directed at you? How did you feel? How did you react?

Now think of the last time you heard yourself saying “you never”, “you always”... how did the accused react? Did you notice anything about their body language, expression and tone of voice?

Speaking in absolutes is a sure-fire way to sabotage your chances of reaching a healthy compromise or win-win situation.

How about the comparison “you’re just like…”
Or when asked what’s wrong you hear “nothing”.

And there are always warning signs in the lead up to a negative conflict interaction.

It’s up to us as individuals to notice. Once we do, we each have the ability to change the dynamic of a situation and intervene the moment we notice an escalation is imminent.]

The goal is to catch ourselves early and make a genuine attempt to repair the relationship.

According to psychological researcher Dr John Gottman, relationship conflict is natural. When harnessed, it can have functional, positive aspects and provides opportunities for growth and shared understanding.

Under these circumstances the realm of possibility opens up, and empathy, creativity, optimism, connection, and collaboration can thrive.

Below we explore 3 opportunities to help you de-escalate heightened emotions and destructive behaviours and reach the realm of possibility.

Cool, calm, and collected — if only it were that simple. Here are some tips to help you get there.

Opportunity 1
Self awareness and social intelligence; recognising patterns

The first opportunity is a two-part equation. It requires an ability to recognise and regulate heightened emotions in self and recognise and acknowledge this in others.

Entering into challenging conversations and interactions with a relaxed body is key to instilling trust and creating a safe space for yourself and others to express and receive healthy disappointment.

On the other hand, entering an interaction with a perceived assumption that it will be met with defensiveness or criticism, is likely to result in a tense body that is armoured up with self-preservation.

In David McLachlan’s book I am anxiety, he describes how parts of the nervous system trigger an acute stress response when we perceive danger. A mechanism designed to keep us ‘safe’ whenever we’re really in trouble, it cannot tell the difference between real and perceived threats.

The fight, flight or freeze response is a direct result of shots of hormones including adrenaline, cortisol pumping through our bodies, preparing and protecting us from perceived psychological or environmental threats. 

As an example, sometimes people who have a natural way with words can even struggle to get them out. 

Think of Eminem's lyrics “…palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy… he’s nervous but on the surface he looks calm and ready, he opens his mouth, words don’t come out…”

Recognising you are experiencing this type of stress response is the first step to de-escalating conflict. The internal conflict. Then you can acknowledge this with the other person in the interaction, letting them you know you need a moment to calm down:

“I’m starting to feel flooded, can we take a break and pick this back up in an hour.”

Threats to the repair process.
Withdrawing from an interaction without agreeing on a time to reconnect sends a subconscious message you are not willing to reach the realm of possibility by repairing the conflict.

Repeated patterns of leaving heated interactions in a stalemate over time without showing a commitment and willingness to work things out are damaging. They often manifest as contempt and lead to stonewalling behaviours.

When continuing the conversation in a ‘flooded’ or highly emotive state, you’re also at risk of getting into destructive and hurtful territory. This situation opens the door to criticism, contempt and defensive behaviour, diminishing feelings of safety and trust.

Recognising and acknowledging when the other person is becoming flooded is another effective way of interrupting a negative interaction. It requires an awareness of non-verbal behaviour cues - shifts in body language and human factor signals. Flushed cheeks and chest, dry mouth, short and shallow breathing, quivering voice, and trembling hands are just a few telltale signs.

Constructive interruption phrases could sound like:

“It seems we’ve gotten off track, how about we take a break and pick this back up this afternoon”.

“I’m sensing that I am not understanding your point, how about we take 5”.

If you do notice the other is flooded and choose to continue the conversation, you're willingly pushing your agenda without addressing the ‘elephant in the room’ and what is underlying the heightened emotions.

Opportunity 2

Antidotes to conflict discussions; bucking the trend.

When leading a horse to water, it’s often out of your hands whether or not they choose to drink. But there are ways you can encourage them.


The next opportunity for conflict de-escalation comes from an understanding that it only takes one person to shift the dynamic and change the course of a negative interaction.


The moment you recognise destructive behaviours are at play is the moment you have the opportunity to intervene and get the discussion to a healthier conclusion.


The following three examples of conflict repair and shifting interaction dynamics are based on Gottman Institute’s Four Horsemen Antidotes:

The antidote to criticism (verbal attacks of personality or character) is the gentle start up.

Gottman suggests talking about feelings and using ‘I’ statements to express a positive need.

A criticism statement on punctuality might look like: “You’re always late”.

Antidote: “I’m upset that you were late today. In the spirit of honouring our commitment, in future can you please keep me in the loop when plans change”.

Gottman discovered that contempt is the worst of the four horsemen. It’s the number one predictor of relationship breakdowns.

Driven by long simmering negative thoughts about another, contempt often manifests as sarcasm, cynicism, name calling, eye rolling and conveys superiority and disgust.

Have you ever been in a situation where a co-worker frequently misses deadlines? How do you feel about this? How would you typically react or respond?

A contemptuous remark might look like: “Seeing as always you’re late with things, how about we get you a new watch”.

These throw-away lines have the power to do great psychological harm over time which can lead to mental and physical health issues. 

Contempt can be countered by using language that builds a culture of appreciation and shared understanding.

Antidote: “I’m concerned we’re frequently missing deadlines. I imagine you’re inundated with your project load, do you require any support from me to get this in on time?"

Defensiveness is a typical response to criticism, where one victimises themselves to ward off a perceived attack using excuses and justification. 

Reversing the blame is also a key indicator of defensive behaviour, whereby an attempt is made to lay fault with the perceived accuser.

“If only you’d given me more time this never would have happened. Couldn’t you see I was under pressure?”

Here, the defensive person assumes no responsibility for a lack of communication on their part. By instead acknowledging a lack of communication from themselves, they accept responsibility and take ownership. 

Offering a genuine apology and taking action to support any impact of their wrongdoing.

Antidote: “I’m sorry. I understand I should have communicated earlier and asked for more time. Let me know how I can support you in the fallout.”

Opportunity 3

Getting to yes; entering the realm of possibility.

In conflict, hearing the word ‘no’ can be disempowering. For many of us it can signal rejection. Feelings of abandonment. 

Think of all the times you’ve been told no or you’ve said no to others without consideration to the question being asked. 

By objectively listening to what is meant and not said, you allow room for negotiation.


While a well considered no is sometimes warranted and a more fitting response, pre-emptive no’s are more likely to end discussions prematurely and build resentment.

In the appropriate context, saying “Yes” builds trust, validates other perspectives, and creates opportunity, welcoming a sense of possibility.

The art of getting to yes is a learned skill underpinning conflict management, compromising and promoting win-win outcomes. It calls for letting go of assumptions, and de-armouring to understand the other person’s perspective and reach shared understanding.


In a conflict situation, where you notice the first signs of stress responses in yourself or another, pausing is a useful tool. Perhaps you are hearing the discussion going around in circles.

As the listener, an opportunity presents itself to practice clarification as understood by you. 

Stop, take a breath, listen to the other and repeat back what you have heard.


“Let me see if I understand where you are coming from” then repeat back what you have heard. The aim is to repeat word for word rather than your interpretation and follow this by asking “is that correct?”

Here, you’re looking for a one word answer - YES!

If you get to yes the first time, it shows you’ve listened. This is your opportunity to discover and understand the other person's feelings and motivations. 

You can tune into their ideal outcome and they are more likely to seek understanding of yours.

If no is the initial response, ask them to repeat it again while remembering to be in a relaxed body. It’s key to changing negative behavioural patterns in mid-conflict into more positive ones.

Once you’ve arrived at yes - you’ve reached the realm of possibility, where empathy, creativity, optimism, connection and collaboration thrives. This is the tipping point for a win-win outcome.

Final Thoughts
Like a muscle, the more you train your conflict management skills, the stronger they get. Remaining calm in the face of conflict becomes an instinctive reflex. A new autosuggestion.

When we focus more on our commonalities and seeking understanding, we give ourselves a better chance of reaching compromise.

In this way, conflict creates the opportunity for greater self-awareness, reframing statements, and getting to yes. 

Conflict will remain an inevitable part of the human experience. How we manage ourselves largely determines how well we manage it.


Taking Action
Now you have a clearer understanding that it only takes one person to change the dynamic - will you be the change? 

Apply some of the tools the next time you see the warning signs.

Share some of our tips with someone you think this might help.

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